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I have a question for anyone to answer.  How do you forgive your husband for saying something so demeaning that it makes you look at yourself differently....or do you forgive?  I personally have had this happen and am having a really hard time getting past it.  I mean, if you love someone...you aren't suppose to make them feel like they are disgusting....you know? 

I have been with my husband for 12 years and 2 years ago he felt it necessary to tell me that I was way too fat and disgusting.  Also that he has a hard time being with me intimately.  So, my question is....why stay with me?!?!?  Hmmmm, Maybe I am being a witch about things....but I seriously can't get past it. 

We have children together and I suppose that may be the reason I have been staying and trying so hard to forgive him..and move on.  It's just everytime I think I may be able to move forward, he makes some comment and then I started second guessing myself again. 

Ok, someone tell me that I am being stupid...I know this!  I just wish things weren't so complicated!  Anyone with some really good advice?????? 

You don't know how many times I have thought about it!!!  More than I care to admit.

If he said it in the heat of the moment, then he was just mad. He's a man, and men tend to say dumb things at the wrong time. Its hard to forgive, but you must if yu tend to move on with him. Talk to him, and ask if he still wants you Physically and mentally. He should be able to answer the questions. If he can't and you gave all you can, don't be or place your self in a state where you feel bad about your self. If the marriage is going down hill, see what effort he is doing. You can't do all the work to make it a happy home. It will not work if you are the only reason you are still together. Talk to him and if he can't give you what you deserve asa woman, then a seperation might show him him what he is missing,. Don't get down over the lack of attention that you should be getting. If all else fails, you gave your best, then you can leave and divorce knowing you tried to keep the marriage happy. If you stay you will suffer depression, and anger issues that will only grow in you heart. If you can't get back what you are putting in, then pull back and stop letting your self be his door mat!

Forgiveness is actually a two way street. In this situation, I can see that your husband owes you an apology for his hurtful comment. There is not reason for personal attacks of that sort by anyone to another. Communication should be intimate and honest in a marriage but not to the point of being unfeeling and hurtful. I'm sure you did a lot of hard work to loose the weight and your husband should have acknowledged that. Please consider going to marriage counseling so you can learn how to talk with each other. When was the last time you both sat down and discussed how you really felt in your relationship? It is extremely important for both of you to be able to let each other know what is going on in your respective lives. Working as a dispatcher I know what kind of pressure you endure daily on your job. Do you take time in the evening or other time to discuss what has gone on during your day with your husband? Does he talk about his work and his challenges? Don't give up yet... You have put 12 years into your marriage and you need to have some very important questions answered before making any decisions.

I think you are a attractive lady and don't think you should take this nonsense. My wife is overweight but I would never....ever tell her that. I would not hurt her feelings for the world. 

rember god forgave us.both of you should get down on your knees open your bible and talk to god.

twytaylor says ...

RevTam says ...

Well hun I am sorry but misery loves company.. there is obviously something in his life that is not making him happy and to make him feel better he is trying to take you down with him... Don't let him... I looked at your profile, sister there is nothing wrong with the way you look in fact I know a lot of men that would LOVE to have a girl like you on there arm... just like Stalker said "If you can't get back what you are putting in, then pull back and stop letting your self be his door mat!"

Maybe a slap of reality is in order... Maybe if you take a break and separate, This will let you know for sure if he really loves you and wants you. Maybe a time out from each other may just show him what he will be losing if he does not clean up his act... No Women should be treated as a door mat. And with that wonderful glow you have about you in your pics Don't let him dowse that light... No man is worthy of taking that from you... Be strong sister! If all else fails and you dont want to leave and take a break then please seek out a marriage counselor it might be he needs to hear it from someone else that he is being an ass. I Hope all works out for you... Rev Tam

 

Thank you for that...It makes me feel good when people tell me I'm not as bad as the way I feel.   You know, I have thought about separating from him....but what happens if he realizes that he has been a total jerk and starts begging for forgiveness and I can't forgive...I have always had a hard time forgiving and forgetting isn't ever easy for me. And what happens if I am happier.......

Well the best thing  to do is make a move now before you get that far... either seek out side help like a marriage councilor, or sit down and have a heart to heart with him... find out what he really wants or if you to should take a break and find your selves, a weekend might be a nice break, or maybe you to need to go do something together and try to rekindle the old flame... If you are putting in a 110% and he tells you no I would really start looking at other options....  there is NO reason you should be so unhappy... Let me know how it goes and Good luck to ya there sister... Rev Tam

Forgiveness is a funny thing...it takes you forgetting about yourself.  What I mean is...you have to lay your feelings, your desires, your needs aside (even if it's momentarily) and let go of the hurtful thing said and done to you.  To start rebuilding any relationship from a point of extreme hurt is to begin with forgiveness. You can't go anywhere in your marriage if you can't forgive.

I know that it's a difficult thing to let go of pain that another causes, but you must if you wish to have any hope of a future with your husband. I don't know what is hurting him that would cause him to say such a hurtful thing. Neither do you. Do not try to guess at his mind or assume you could possibly know his heart. No one can know these things about another.

I must disagree with Rev Tam's suggestion that you should take a break and separate from your husband. Even the shortest separation could be seen in the harshest light by your spouse. He could interpret your leaving as you giving up on him, thus validating his negative feelings. Sometimes the best way to end cruelty from another person is to show them how kind and loving you can be. This goes against those instincts of vengeance and need for justice.

Do not try to change his feelings through force (i.e. Separation), but through persuasion. This is where the kindness and love comes into the picture. Remind him that you love him, that he is important to you, and that he is also needed. The biggest mistake women make is that they begin to think men feel love as they do. Men do not. Men feel loved when they are appreciated. Men feel loved when they are respected. Respect = Love. To leave him, even for a short while, would be a huge disrespect. He would likely feel completely unloved and react to you in the most unloving of fashions.

He needs to know that he is important. That his working for a living is meaningful. That you're glad that he works so hard for you, and that it's a joy to see him come home. Ask yourself, when was the last time you told him you respected him? If it's been awhile, then it may be time to remind him.

Lastly, seek couples counseling with a therapist or pastor. It's amazing how many marriages have been pulled from the brink because BOTH people in the marriage were willing to put forth the hard work of solving the problem.

At least he was honest with you. he could have kept it to himself and let it fester.......

First of all, I am sorry that you have had to go through this. I've been through a similar experience so I know how difficult this type of situation can be. Yes, maybe your husband was being honest, but honesty can also be tempered with tact and compassion. By using those terms, he was being rude and disrespectful. I had no great love for my ex-wife when we divorced, but I never came close to speaking to her like that.

TIPI made a good point. You don't change how you feel about yourself to accomodate someone else, or as a reaction to what someone says. Once you give up control, then self esteem, and self worth follow. I would echo the statement about seeking marriage counseling, but I would also seek out counseling for yourself. When I was going through a difficult time, I did, and it helped to keep things in perspective. In the end, however, you will have to sit down and have an honest and open conversation with your husband. 

Situations like this are never easy, but trust in yourself, and create your own support system. I wish you the best of luck, and I too urge you to "stay strong". 

Many times when people hurt those they love there are issues in their personal lives that are so bothersome that they take out the stress on their loved ones. Forgiving is a great thing to do, however, as a couple, you guys need to get to the root of his issue(s) to resolve this conflict. A way is to perhaps get a sitter for the kids, go for a drive together and have a long talk. Agree to not acuse, but best to express what is truly the issue. If an accusation is spoken, use great restraint to not point the finger back.

Another way is to go to counseling, best Godly counseling.

Many times in a long marriage, we tend to take each other for granted and say things loosely and treat each other disrespectfully. Think about your own actions, things that you have said. Are the kids more important than him? Maybe he lacks your affections because of the kids or your personal time away such as your job, friends, activities and so on.  Are you working too much overtime? These are just thoughts and ideas that many times cause conflicts in a marriage.

The best thing is to talk it out without any distractions. Turn the electronics off. Be alone and communicate. Let your husband know how much you love him and your actions speak louder than words.

I agree with the comment that at least he told you! But hearing comments that are negative coming from someone you love is really hard to take! Good news is that you know how he feels and to me it looks like no matter what you do to try to fix how he might feel about you, it's not going to get any better!

Take it for what it's worth! Ask him to look you in the eyes and say 'I love you' to you! If he can't then you know your answer that you need to move on and find a man, if you chose to, that will love you for what your true worth is!

Lesson I learned in life is that people simply suck! Bad people make life suck.......

Listen to what your heart tells you, not what other people tell you. And don't do anything you will regret later!

TwyTaylor...I am so sorry that you have been struggling with such a hurtful thing!!! Focus and BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!! To the group as a whole...your responses were great!!! When I first read the thread, I thought...oh no...someones gonna come in behind this and say something hateful and hurtful too...U guys were terrific!!!

Words are like bullets, once they leave the mouth or barrel, there is no calling them back.  Same holds true for drunks mouthing off and forgeting what they said when they are sober.  Inother words you can't change what has been said, all the I did not mean it's or thats not what I wanted to say, will not change it.  Somehwere deep in that persons mind, that is there true feelings.