Group Forums >> SARCASM >> TEN SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER…
TEN SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER…
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Posted 3 months ago TEN SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER… Rule One: If you pull into the driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose a compromise. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, if fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take an electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I’m sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate. When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at this house, and the only word I need to hear from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my truck?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided. Movies that
feature parents with chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Retirement homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be pot-bellied, wrinkled up, middle-aged, dim-witted, has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless GOD of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a Kimber Ultra CDP II .45ACP, a shovel, and twenty-five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me, Scooter.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
If you're going to be dumb, you better be tough.
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| Posted 3 months ago I actually have devised one test for the guy dating my daughter....outrun a bullet. Being a Tyrant does not make one a Leader! |
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| Posted 3 months ago TLEastwood--- that was halarious...I myself have ONLY ONE RULE to any future women who date my son
RULE 1.) It aint his till Maury says it is....lol.... I did have a couple of others like urself but then i thought hey...if the young women want to act grown and step in my house acting like this is there territory PLEASE BELIEVE your a** will get them baby teeth knocked out and then i will poiltely say..those teeth will grow back sweetie now keep walking ur a** towards the door..
I think violence scares most kids now days... just give them that look... kids now think that they are all tuff HAAAAAAA hey i can go bout a good six minutes strong if u last u can PASS GO...!!!!!!! but if not you have to go back to start and thats AT least another 9 month wait list..until your application will be processed again. and to think MY son is ONLY 3 years old... its going to be ugly when he can actually date..whoooo this is going to be fun!!!! :)
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| Posted 3 months ago LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
www.lettherebejustice.com - Support our wrongly accused cops! |
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| Posted 3 months ago I DO toy with them first - I have two pair of emasculators hanging on the wall by the back door - little fellers come to get my girl they have to tell me what they are and describe to me exactly how and what they are used for.... If you're going to be dumb, you better be tough.
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| Posted 3 months ago Wow this kind of hits the nail for me.....especially since my first born (a little girl) is to be born next Tuesday! "Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry." - Mark Twain Forums Moderator |
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| Posted 3 months ago charlie914 says ...
You're right! Maybe the first few rounds at his feet????? Being a Tyrant does not make one a Leader! |
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| Posted 3 months ago Boy, am I ever glad that I wasn't dating your daughter! I'll be forwarding this to my brother & sister... I'm not "really" a troll....I just love changing my avatar... because...
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| Posted 3 months ago These are all hilarious. I had four daughters and when they wanted to go out, my K-9 had to approve their dates. The girls hated it saying it wasnt fair for thier dates to be judged by a dumb dog. I on the other hand trusted the dogs judgement alot more than theirs! lol Two of my daughters married boys approved by the dog and they are still married to this day. The other two girls are still single.!!! |
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| Posted 3 months ago A few rounds at their feet first??? Sure - but just for sport yell "Serpentine!!" first.. I actually told one kid that she had been wired with invisible ink packets so that if he tried to touch her the dye would go off on his hands and I would KNOW...and call his mother....
If you're going to be dumb, you better be tough.
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| Posted 3 months ago Hey Charlie914 - here's a pointer for ya - clean the shotgun on the front porch.... in your underwear...that really freaks 'em out... If you're going to be dumb, you better be tough.
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| Posted 3 months ago First of all thanks for the invite to the group; looks like a fun bunch of peeps. I enjoyed the 10-step rules; it's kind of a upgrade from the "cleaning your guns at the kitchen table when they arrive idea". I have my Medal of Valor (in case) with my article of the incident when my partner and I took down a subject armed with a tech 9 fully loaded automatic weapon. I have these items posted for her "possible boyfriends" to view. I ACT like the "tough" Dad when boys are around, but otherwise I'm always loose around most of their friends. Thanks again for the invite, catch ya all later. John |
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| Posted 3 months ago We had the same rules stated above for our daughters. But my wife was alot worse than I was. When my baby girl started to date my son-in-law 10 yeas ago. This is realy funny to me. My wife wrote down the kids DL number, insurance, checked the gas gage, and even got the kids cell phone number and telephone number at home and the name of his parents. She told him that I cleaned my guns every night whne I got off duty and that it would be a good idea if she was home before I parked my squad car in the drive way (2215 hours). Appearently this kid liked my daughter enough that she kept him. |
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| Posted 3 months ago Anyone else make their daughters give you their boyfriends Last name, First name, Middle Initial, and Date of Birth? Sgt. Gilpin |
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| Posted 3 months ago This is great !!! Could not have said it better myself. Motorcops Even Scare Other Cops! |
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| Posted 3 months ago forwarded this to my daughter .........she should be glad i didn't have these suggestions back then!!! I don't mind coming to work..BUT the 8 hour wait to go home is a BITCH!!! |
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| Posted 3 months ago My father had a great method too. When he knew my sister had a date and the guy was coming home to pick her, HE and ONLY HE was the one who opened the door. And curiously, ALWAYS ha was cleaning a weapon (He his a collector, 106 handguns and about 40 shotguns) when he opened the door. The only 2 things he told where.- "Hi, How ya doing?" and "I can blow off the balls of a fly at 25 meters of distance, you catch it??" Always, my sister was brought home at 10 PM. "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God. " Matthew 5:9 |
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| Posted 3 months ago My 10 year old daughter knows that she can't date until she's 30. LOL. That was good TL. 2 Cor. 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new." |
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| Posted 3 months ago I have 16 simple rules and they all start with .40 Police Link Forums Moderator PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY! |
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| Posted 3 months ago A friend gave me this one. My daughters are not old enough to date, but I'm keeping it in mind. When the young man says he wants to date my daughter, I'll talk to him about treating her right and what I expect him to do and not do. Then I'll listen to his explanation about how he cares about her mind and personality and that she's so special to him. Then i'll explain that while all of these things sound good, I have to know that he really understands what it means to be a gentleman. As such, he can pick my wife up at 7:00 pm on friday for dinner and a movie. She'll report back to me if he is good enough to date our dauther. If he's willing to go through with that, he is probably a decent kid. |
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| Posted 3 months ago Great post I love the ten rules so much I think I might hand them out to boys when my daughter starts to date. |
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| Posted 3 months ago I don't know about ya'll- but I have an 18yo daughter. And the mere fact that Daddy is LEO has done a fine job of weeding out the undesirables. I love it. On the other hand, if these little girls don't stop calling my house and chasing my boy I may get vicious. |
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| Posted 3 months ago KSP494 says ...
I'll love to buy you one of your "Rules book", mine only start with 9!! LOL "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God. " Matthew 5:9 |
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| Posted 3 months ago I have 3 daughters and this is magnificent. When they are allowed to start dating (at age 30) I will definitely use these while I am sitting at the kitchen table when the young lad arrives. I will be the one in my underwear cleaning my glock while watching One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Thanks for the added ammo and a great laugh. Police work- the greatest show on earth and my team always wins!!!
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| Posted 3 months ago EOD300 says ...
Hey the 9mm rule book should work fine especially if hollow points are an option. Police Link Forums Moderator PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY! |
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| Posted 3 months ago Of course when he comes over you can use the method Dan used on Roseanne. Sit him down go get two beers offer him one and if he takes it grab him by the neck and throw him out the door. Police Link Forums Moderator PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY! |
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| Posted 3 months ago No rules really. Just Bruno going along as chaperone. |
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| Posted 3 months ago charlie914 says ...
That would be Rodney Atkins - Cleaning this Gun (Come on in Boy) |
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| Posted 3 months ago I need a copy of this for my 16 y/o. lol Never Underestimate the Power of a Kind Word or Deed. |
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| Posted 3 months ago egilpin says ... Anyone else make their daughters give you their boyfriends Last name, First name, Middle Initial, and Date of Birth?
Nope, but my brothers have all done it. They actually asked this one guy I dated (cop-total error in judgement on my part! I know TOO much! LOL) to see his "tin" and then proceeded to pass it around to their buddies (we were at a wedding) to make sure it was "authentic." Totally humiliating!!! |
