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Death Notification
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Posted 3 months ago On June 3, 2008, our 18-year-old daughter was killed by a drunk driver. I was working the road at the time of the crash, which happened in a neighboring jurisdiction. I came home early from my shift and was sitting on the couch when I heard a knock on the front door. I thought it was my daughter, but I found two deputies standing at my door. Initially, I thought they were just stopping by to say hello, but as soon as they asked me about our daughter (Ashley) and referred to an accident, I knew, I just knew... |
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| Posted 3 months ago Oh you poor thing. My condolences to you and your family on the loss of your girl. It breaks my heart that you have to experience this awful grief. You are in my thoughts. If you don't stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them. |
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| Posted 3 months ago Please accept my most heartfelt condolences on the loss of your daughter. My wife lost her oldest son a couple of years ago due to illness and she struggles to this day. Know that she is still there watching over you and the rest of the family. Probably the worst part of this job is death notices. We really try and get the people to the hospital where medical assistance can be there to monitor their reactions and assist them medically if necessary. Unfortunately many people are aware enough that they know what is going to be said and, well, I just hate being the one that does this. |
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| Posted 3 months ago I've only had to do about seven or so death notifications in nearly 13 yrs in the biz, but the next to last one I had to do (earlier this year) was the most, er...interesting, I would have to say. Fortunately that night I had a ride-along with me from another jurisdiction when we were dispatched to meet with the asst coroner and one of the chaplains around 0130hrs on a darkened dirt road in one of the "hot spot" areas in our county. The two-car fatality we were on-scene with only a few hours earlier that evening (and less than mile away) had a drunk driver killing a sweet 80+ yr old lady on her way home. Her son supposedly lived in a trailer somewhere in the general vicinity of her little house on that dirt road, but the two ladies from coroner's and chaplain's offices said they only had a general idea but were unsure of the address, as no phone number could be located. We finally found the right dilapidated old trailer, with a light inside and a yapping dog out back, but no answer after 10mins attempting. Before the ride-along and I walked back up the path to the dirt roadway where the ladies were waiting by their vehicles, I decided to knock on the door of a crappy wooden shack nextdoor that looked like it had caught fire on more than one occasion and had sunk into the earth in several spots and was breaking apart - just to say we tried, even though it did not look the least inhabitable. To our surprise, the old door opened up for our flashlights to reveal a completely naked and intoxicated male subj in his late 40's, pointing a shotgun right at my waist (with no affordable cover nearby for me.) Of course our Glock and Sig Sauer 40's came out of their respective holsters in a heartbeat, but due to the late hour and the fact that we were notifying this guy that his own dear mother had been killed, thankfully we were able to convince him we were legit and not looking to rob him...only after multiple commands to "Put the gun down!" I had to climb into that creature-infested shack to recover the shotgun (which was not loaded, though it wouldn't have mattered seconds earlier) and verify that the guy could maneuver the burnt-out mattress and neck-high pile of refuse inside to put on something decent, before escorting him back outside so we could meet with the ladies. Due to his drunken state (in which was a lifer, from the looks of it) he didn't believe them when they informed him for his mother, and was still in disbelief when we cleared the scene 15mins later. My ride-along and I drove off with the usual, "Holy Sh**!" comments to each other on how BADLY that call could have turned out....and you usually expect it to Hit the Fan AFTER you've made the notification, not when you first get there. I was definitely thankful I had an armed ride-along with me that night, just in case it had gone even further downhill, although it would have been a cluster getting my ride-along involved in an on-duty shooting, fo sho. Never know when or where that will happen (been in the middle of a shootout at 0330hrs on the way home from an OT shift when I was simply trying to check on a city officer's supposed traffic stop) and pray it doesn't on your watch, of course, but you never, ever forget the close calls. |
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| Posted 3 months ago And, our condolences to you, Mknetzger, on your family's loss...these are the times LEO's need to lean on each other the most. Godspeed |
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| Posted 3 months ago I am so sorry to here of your loss. I can not even begin to know the pain you and your family are going thru. All I can say is lean on your family and friends now and God. You are in our prayers |
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| Posted 3 months ago Mketzger- I am sorry for you & your family's loss. A parent should never have to go through this. |
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| Posted 3 months ago My heart broke as I read this. I am so sorry for your loss. I believe this has to be the hardest thing a person can go through. I've had to do a few death notifications in my career. The first came when I was still in patrol. The brother of one of our female officers was killed by his wife. I had just gotten involved in our chaplain program as an associate chaplain and rather than wake the duty chaplain (it was about 0300 hrs) my shift commander volunteered me for the notification. I prayed all the way and God gave me the peace, the strength and words. I don't even remember what I said to her, it just flowed. The worst notification I did was for a fellow officer. We had three killed in June 2004, in one incident. Since we have a large group of chaplains, we divided up the notification duties. My supervisor in the chaplain program and I were tasked with notifying the wife of the youngest officer. As we drove down the street on which he lived, we passed his house because his address was on the opposite side of his mailbox. Little did we know that his wife was already home and saw us drive by in a marked police unit. By the time we were knocking on the door she was already in tears because of course the news of a police shooting had traveled fast . When we left his house, we had to go to another location to notify his mother and sister. This was where his mother worked. As we pulled into the parking lot, she along with several coworkers were standing outside. When I got out of the car, his mother looked at me and said, "Please don't tell me that my son is dead." All I could get out was, "I'm sorry." Again, I am sorry for your loss. I will remember you and your family in my prayers. 2 Cor. 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new." |
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| Posted 3 months ago Mitrocop and Goodlight, could you please contact me via the policelink email system or send an email to my Yahoo account: mknetzger@yahoo.com. I would like to ask you some additional questions about the story you shared. M. Knetzger |
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| Posted 3 months ago Mike Knetzger Dear Brother , my heart felt condolences on you Families loss. No parent is suppose to bury there child . I am an old disability retired local Police Office since 1986 from Massachusetts. During my 11 working years I had way to many death notifications as working the third shift , many accidents take place during your tour. I like to thing we were very professional in the way we did our notifications. We were a much more civilized society back in those days. It was not just a job , it was a calling in a Town of 13,000 residents. Everyone knows every one else. Our Department Policy "Take whatever time is deemed necessary to assist and console " nothing takes precedence over making sure the grieving party is safe and assisted by any means needed. Our first step was to confirm the identity of the deceased . Nothing worse then giving a death notice to the wrong person. We would establish Religious affiliation and ask a member of the Cloth to accompany us to the persons home. Ring the door bell and inquire as to who we were speaking with, then ask if the deceased was a member of that family, then inform what had happened, then have the member of the Cloth come into the house (left outside out of site at initial contact) . Once the Clergy took up the conversation we would just wait till they felt it appropriate to leave. Prior to departure we would always inform them that any problems or just for re assurance , please call the Department, we would have prior to arrival at the home make out a list of information as to the circumstances surrounding the death, the location of occurrence, the time , and the jurisdiction the death occurred in along with the appropriate phone numbers. My most memorable notification was to a Father that had berated me for arresting his Son for drunk driving and securing a conviction in the local Court. He called me every name in the book and then some. "It was only beer , not alcohol, you f------ a-- h---". that was one month to the day as he had lost his license for 30 days. The deceased went to a wedding shower and became intoxicated. On his way home at high speed , he failed to negotiate the corner , hit a van sideways as the door hinge imprint was on the left side of his head. A bottle of Mikalobe beer was still in his hand and lap. I took the pictures, had rescue cut the car up to remove him. I then had the dispatcher notify the priest, we met at the house. (this man had 13 children, now has lost his seventh). I rang the bell, the same Father that had berated me 30 days earlier then said to me," Which one this time", I told him, he lowered his head, I motioned the priest, and got myself out of there as soon as the priest said he was OK from here. I signaled back on, went about a block, and pulled over and cried my eyes out. To this day I am haunted by that Fathers question "which one this time". Like all good Cops, I put it in my back pocket and carried on. That back pocket is still mighty heavy after all these years. Glory earned on the field of battle , can never be taken away , you take it with you to the grave. Quote by General George Armstrong Custer |
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| Posted 3 months ago My deepest sympathies to you on your loss...I can't even imagine what you are going through. My kids are my life and I worry about them every time they get in a car and go somewhere. We try to teach them everything right down to defensive driving and how to anticipate what is going to happen but sometimes you just can't negotiate out of the way...Bless her heart she is in a better place... In my 14 yrs on I honestly can't remember making any death notifications. Our department was so diverse that normal patrol officers were just the first on the scene and then turned it over to a Specialty Unit or Detective who took the ball so we could get back to the streets, highly understaffed for patrolman..Plus we were blessed with a large amount of police Chaplains that had their own cars, some carried weapons, some didn't...But it always seemed like there was someone else there to do that dreaded job... |
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| Posted 3 months ago xcopper3, like most medium sized departments, we do not typically have that chaplin available and make many notifications ourselves. It's only natural that we worry about our children. My daughter never had the chance to get out of the way; she and her best friend were hit by a Porsche traveling in excess of 90 miles per hour. Sadly, they never had a chance... |
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| Posted 3 months ago mknetzger says ...
I've made a number over the years. Luckily, we have access to our county chaplains who do a phenomenal job and always make themselves available. So sorry for your loss. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family! |
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| Posted 3 months ago My condolences sir. Our prayers and thoughts to you and yours.
The Shea family |
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| Posted 3 months ago
I beg your indulgence for a moment and ask that you excuse my lengthy response. I can’t begin to express the thoughts and emotions that I have for you and your family after reading your post. I have read all of the posts here and fully understand the deep scars that are left on everyone. Each single death affects so many more people than anyone realizes. We all carry them with us.
In June 1976, I came home on a Saturday from summer camp. My 21 year-old brother came home and asked if I wanted to look at his “new” car. He had purchased a used Toyota Celica while I was away. I thought that it was so cool. The next morning, my mother awakened me to inform me that he had been in an accident. She said, “He’s not with us anymore.” Those words will forever ring in my ears. He, his girlfriend and another girl were driving to MS State University that Saturday night when a drunken driver crossed the centerline and hit them head on. They were killed. The drunk driver walked away with minor injuries. My father received the news via telephone from the hospital. Though they never came right out and told him that his son was dead, he knew. The driver was later convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to three 10 year terms to be served concurrently. He served a year and a half and then was sent to a work release program. It was then that I realized that life wasn’t always fair nor was it always nice.
In 1998, while working for the police department, I drove to a local convenient store in my unmarked car. I met my closest friend/co-worker there and we talked for a moment. I left and drove a block away to the post office. After receiving my mail, I was getting into my car when I heard a crunch; the unmistakable sound of two cars colliding. I quickly observed that my friend was rear-ended in his unmarked car by a small car. It looked quite minor, not unlike so many accidents that we see daily. I drove across the parking lot and approached my friend. He was frantic and calling on the radio for an ambulance. He was sitting in the other driver’s car holding a young girl. I quickly discovered that the driver was my 16 year-old niece. The young unconscious girl that he was holding was my 10 year-old niece. We carefully removed her and placed her on the ground. I could not find a pulse. My friend asked if I wanted a CPR mask. I told him that I didn’t need one because it was my niece. He was in total disbelief and shock. There was a medical clinic literally within feet of us. A doctor came out and neither of us was able to get an airway. A bystander handed me a cell phone. On it was my brother. I tried to reassure him that we were doing what we could. He came to the scene and said, “I can’t do this again”, speaking of the loss of our other brother. My brother and I escorted the ambulance to the hospital. Her brain stem had been severed and there was no hope for recovery. She was removed from the ventilator. I left the hospital and drove to see my daughters. I told them both. Since then I have lost two other very close friends, my father and sat with my father-in-law day and night until he lost a bitter battle with cancer. One of my best friends from high school that I lived with for a few years before I got married was found dead in his home on my wedding anniversary. I went to his house and the police were still there. These police officers at the scene knew me. Not realizing that I was a friend of the decedent, one of them made some inappropriate comments about coming to see a dead body.
I have been the bearer of bad news to other families, too. A young couple in their twenties lost their lives on a motorcycle. I had to find both of their families that night to tell them. I told a mother that her adult son had shot and killed himself. I was forced by another police department to tell a wife over the telephone that her husband had drowned. And told a son that his mother shot herself in the police department parking lot. She left a note, “I’m sorry, but I thought that you would know what to do.” Yes, I knew what to do. She, like so many others, didn’t realize the torment that police officers go through as we make those final steps to ring the doorbell. She didn’t know that so many years later I would still be able to recall the lump in my throat when I was trying to force out the words. She didn’t realize that it added a little more scar tissue to a heart that had already been ripped out years before. How many times have we done it? I actually volunteered for it because I knew what needed to be said. The direct approach, leaving no room for a grieving family’s denial. Your family member has “died”, not has “gone on” or “they did all they could do”, “they aren’t with us”, but they “have died”. I was prepared. I answered the questions of who, what, when, where and how. The answer to why never comes. I give whatever possible comfort that I can offer. The responses varied. Some screamed and were overcome with grief, while others simply sat and cried. I wondered if one fellow had even heard what I said. He was in shock and had absolutely no response, reaction or sign of any emotion. I know that when they see me now, they think of that awful day. We all carry around the sack of sad memories on our shoulders. Those who don’t have lost some of their humanity. Because of these things, I have a much better understanding of the pain of death. In turn, I have a much better understanding of the joy in life.
All that is necessary for evil to succeed is that good men do nothing. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, then it may be a troll doing an impression of a duck. |
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| Posted 3 months ago I was involved in cases where I was told later how the death notifications went: I was told the death notification did not go well with the family of the lady that hit me head on and was killed. Apparently her youngest son threw a chair through a window and then punched a wall so hard it broke his arm. He actually had to be restrained and it took 2 deputies and 2 troopers.
I was first on scene of a fatality accident. Long story short, I pulled out one of the injured and tried to start CPR. She was dead and nothing could be done. 3 more people ended up dying from that collision. At the home of the first lady, (I think she was Muslim) the family was more concerned with the officers entering their home while wearing shoes than with the news they brought. It had to do with their religion. I just hope I'm never tasked with telling a mom or dad that their child is dead. Being at the scene with a dead child is bad enough. Living it again and watching a grief stricken parent's heart break is more than I care to experience. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. |
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| Posted 3 months ago My prayers and thoughts are with your and your family. How terrible. "the hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of moral crisis, do nothing." Dante |
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| Posted 3 months ago bill9823 says ...
Thanks! All that is necessary for evil to succeed is that good men do nothing. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, then it may be a troll doing an impression of a duck. |
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| Posted 3 months ago My condolences, brother. May she rest in peace and may you find ease in your soul. I've had to give a couple of DN's on the job (death in the families of students who couldn't be reached by phone by relatives, so I had to do it personally). It sucks, and I can't imagine a 'good' way of doing it.
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| Posted 3 months ago As a Trooper, I have seen so many fatals and delivered more next of kins (NOK) than I ever want to drag back to the front of my mind. I have seen the varied responses that you asked about, from all different races and religions. I have delivered notifications of old, middle, young and very young. As I sit and type his many of them are rushing through my brain and it still sucks. One set of parents that I did NOK to were some of the sweetest people I have ever had the unhappiness of meeting under the circumstances. Their son had just graduated high school, he was working on his Jeep with a buddy from work, drank a couple of beers and then had to head off to a field to cut a few doughnuts with a jacked up Jeep. It rolled, you can figure the rest. I had to notify that mom and dad at 12:30-1:00am. Dad sat in his chair looking lost, mom wailed, I hugged her as tight as I could. I left feeling inept because I knew no other way to help them. I saw them a year or so later, we made small talk, talked of the night, some of the family felt I didn't do a good job, because I didn't go around to every member of the family and notify them, I felt bad from the time I heard that until I ran into the parents that next year. They said that I did my job which was notify them, the son wasn't married and lived at home. The mom thanked me for my sensativity in their time of need and said that they had often thought of me and how I was because I looked like it was hurting me that night as much as it was them. Obviously I know there is no way I could have hurt more than they did. But my heart did hurt badly. By the time I left the restaurant that I ran into them in I went to pay my bill and took care of theirs as well, because little did they know, they had lifted the weight of the world off my shoulders. There have been many more teens since him and even smaller children and really I feel like I have been robbed of that sensative side that I had to deal with NOK's because I find now that when attending funerals of MY OWN FAMILY, I don't cry anymore. It's gone, this job has taken that from me. Not that I don't want or love my job, I do. But I have found there are emotional sacrifices. Now, I could not imagine being in your shoes, I wouldn't want to be, I pray nothing happens to any of my children, because as hard hearted as I have become just dealing with the deaths of strangers, I could not imagine what I would become after dealing with the death of any of my children. |
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| Posted 3 months ago mknetzger, we are all feeling your pain. We wish you and your family the best. I hope that you find some comfort. All that is necessary for evil to succeed is that good men do nothing. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, then it may be a troll doing an impression of a duck. |
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| Posted 3 months ago mknetzger, I really do understand your pain and all of those different emotions that you go through when you receive a death notice. I send my most sincere condolences to you and your family. Parents should not have to go through this, especially from a DUI. I said that I know what you are going through and I really do. My family lost an 8 year old on the morning of his 8th birthday to a DUI driver. God bless you and comfort you during this this time of sorrow. |
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| Posted 3 months ago I am sorry for your loss, losing a child is one of the hardest things over my 22years I have had to do several they are never easy and I had one of my own first I received a radio call to go to my home 20 then I received a phone call a young officer told me over the phone what had happened to our 8 months old daughter I broke about every law getting home I made it before my wife our 3 children were with an adult babysitter our youngest died at her hands that's as far as I will go sorry so I do know how you feel some I will pray for you and your wife Only God knows his plans for all of us and why we might meet in life |
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| Posted 3 months ago tonyboyum says ...
How horrible for you both, I hope never to find out how that feels. My most sincere heartfelt sympathy to those of you that have lost a child. "the hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of moral crisis, do nothing." Dante |
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| Posted 3 months ago Lulusgt, thank you for sharing your story with us. Your words demonstrate the true impact that we impart on a family when making a death notification or NOK. At the same time, no matter how "well" we do it, in some cases we won't be able to please everybody (as evidenced by the perspectives of the other relatives). However, it's evident that you used the appropriate level of compassion, but unfortunately it took so long to discover that at the restaurant with the parents. I truly believe the way we make the death notification can impact the grieving process. I hope all police officers bring the same level of compassion that you did when they make NOK's...and never be afraid to hug a grieving parent...Thanks again.
Lulusgt says ...
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| Posted 3 months ago Georgia_Cop, thank you for sharing those snippets with us. I had a similar notification where we had to restrain the brother of the deceased at a local "Boys and Girls Club" where he suddenly died when playing basketball. At the hospital, he threw a chair around the "family room" and punched the walls so hard that he fractured his right hand. You never know what response you will get when making a death notification. The information regarding the Muslim family is interesting. I'm going to be sure to address cultural issues in the manuscript that I'm writing. Thanks again for sharing...M. Knetzger
Georgia_Cop says ...
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| Posted 3 months ago One that sticks in my memory!
It was a little after three in the morning and I got the duty. The house was dark no vehicles in the driveway, I thought perhaps no one was home but I parked the car so it could be seen from the door and knocked. Shortly a woman in her forties answered the door and looking from me to the car and back exclaimed " OH. my God, my husband is dead", no time to sugar coat I got her to a chair and said as gently as I could "no mam, it's your son who has been killed in a traffic accident".
The last part of my career was spent with M.E.s/Coroners, I have done more than my share of notificarions and they are never easy! T.G.G. |
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| Posted 3 months ago Wagoncop, with your experience working in the coroners office and the number of death notifications you've made, what advice would you have for a "new officer" when it comes to making death notifications? How would you train them to do it? Any other advice based upon your personal experience? How did the rest of the notification proceed after she discovered it was her son? M. Knetzger
wagoncop says ...
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